Dear Caring Parent,

A follower of these blogs got in touch and asked me to write something on young teens and porn.  She told me a pretty humorous story about her young teen viewing some porn on TV.  And it reminded me of my awakening to how easy it is to access porn. Back in the late 90s, I was searching google for something on the meaning of dreams.  Up popped a porn site. Being curious, I had to look around!  I remember sitting at my desk as the sudden realization hit me that my 7 yr old could easily click into a site like this – with all her friends who were always over too!  Can you imagine explaining THAT one?

When I got home that eve I looked at my browser settings and added some security. And over time I dealt with the whole sex subject with what seemed the most sensible advice from all that I read; I let my daughter lead the way. When she had a question, I answered simply.  If she was satisfied, cool. Wait for the next question. And it all evolved very naturally.  That was so easy!

Well, in the past 13 or so years, my, has life changed! Smartphones and iPods etc are in the hands of much younger kids, most homes have more than one TV (what this Mom who got in touch with me learned is, you have to set controls on EACH TV, not just one), and the app world is fully charged (did you know there is an iTunes app with 1,001 pictures of breasts?). And, porn has changed dramatically. Pictures of breasts are the least of it.

Those that study porn point out that currently, much online porn has no plot, is pretty much non-stop penetration, frequently with violence; it has become darker as free online porn has exploded.  It’s not about sensuality or erotica led by touch and other senses.  If you want your young son’s and daughter’s sexual development to include emotional attachment and love with sexual expression and pleasure, the kind and volume of visual sex experiences they see, hear, and feel makes a difference.

It is the most natural thing in the world for teens and tweens to be wondering about sex and tantalized by it.  Some of this is influenced by a child’s temperament, so you could have one child that is in the obsession zone and one who could care less!  Being that their brains are still developing and neurons that fire together wire together, what they are watching on videos, online, getting through TV shows and magazines, as well as reality shows and virtual reality games, starts to make a difference in this huge area of development.

SO, WHAT is a PARENT TO DO? 

1. Know that your child’s sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of.  Understand that your son, in particular, is very visually oriented.  So what images do you want teaching him about sex, women, and himself?
2. Be a guide; address porn head-on. They are going to run into it.  When talking with my daughter, I was very matter of fact. I explained that there are many different views on sexual behavior and I told her what I wanted for her.  Later, when she wanted to know the differing views are, I started at the surface, would say something, and then see if she had more questions. Again, she led the way.  And of course more and more came up as friends talked and she grew up.
3. Put controls on your technology.  I recommend being upfront and explaining that you don’t want them to be a part of things that their developing brain isn’t ready for yet.  You can add ‘it’s like you aren’t ready to drive a car yet.’ That, of course, works until they are 15 or so!  By then, hopefully, you have been hearing their reactions to sex and some of the conversations had amongst them and their friends.  And then know the blocking software: mobicip for iPhones / iPads and android, Norton family premier tracks everything from mobile phone use, apps installed to social media and web use. Know your TV control system – does one ‘setup’ take care of all TVs in the house or do you need to do it separately for each.
4. All these are necessary because you might do these controls and communication, but there is someone out there that they romp around with whose family doesn’t!
5. Talk!  And listen!  One suggestion is to treat it like you did ‘stranger danger’ – kind of a matter of fact, protective.  Because, AND THIS IS IMPORTANT, the greatest harm can come from your reaction. You overreact, not only will they not talk to you, but they are sure to get to it even faster!  You under-react or aren’t upfront about the whole topic, they won’t be prepared to talk when they need to.
6. Ask if there are any ‘crushes’ or girlfriends/boyfriends and how’s it going?
7. Ask what other kids are saying about date rape, sex in movies, what expressions are used when you see a pretty girl or hot guy, birth control, safe sex, bumping into a porn site…..it’s easier for them to say what others are saying and feel out your responses.
8. Encourage love, affection, and emotional expression.  Not just between you and your children, but between you and your significant other.
9. Talk about sex in relationships as pleasurable and joyful, because you want to bring out the positives of sex also!  Let there be laughter about it.
10. I found it beneficial to say things like when you get older and feel ready, you can make decisions about what you want in your sexual self, for now, I am going to go with my best understanding of what is ok for someone your age.
11. Here are some things to keep in mind if you wonder about having a conversation, or, you can actually use this information as it is relevant in a conversation:

    There is no evidence of the connection between porn and sexual assaults or crime (familyeducation.com).

    In 2007, 42% of 10 – 17 yr olds were exposed to online porn (Dr. Aline Zoldbrod). And that’s 13 yrs ago!

    Due to their visual orientation, boys are more likely to seek out porn.  No shame. No blame. Be matter of fact.

    The average penis length is 5.8 inches. Many porn studs have an 8 inch penis (Dr. Karen Ruskin).

    85% of female porn stars have breast implants (Dr. Karen Ruskin).

    Humiliation, rape, torture, sadomasochism are a part of most porn sites.

    Porn can give young males the idea that males are always ready for sex – yet there are ‘fluffers’, things outside of the real-time filming, that keep the porn stars going.
    What these points say to me is that, aside from any values that apply for you, porn is plain old unrealistic.  And too much of it creates what sexologists call a ‘porno-sized’ brain, something therapists are starting to write more about; young adult males with sexual dysfunction.

12. If this is uncomfortable to you, I highly recommend you talk about that with a trusted someone until you get to a point where it is comfortable.  There are so many things that can make this uneasy for you; the nature of sex (and overall relationship) between yourself and your partner, your feelings about how you learned about sex as you grew up, guilt you might carry about anything to do with sex and relationships, fears about being judged…Once again, parenting takes you into knowing yourself better, ah shuky darns!

Now, more than ever, it is important to engage in dialogue with your sons and daughters about sex, sexuality, relationships, and themselves.  The birds and bees conversation is no longer the beginning and end of the conversation.  To help with this ongoing conversation, here’s some ideas.

Let me end with one more story. It’s not about porn, but I think you’ll get the point.  I was in a home with a 16-month-old boy and an 18-month-old girl. The boy’s Mom had been remarking about how observant her son is, how quickly he learns, and how much he loves music. Meanwhile, the kids were using Mom’s cell phone to listen to music videos. She was doing some things in another room and returned to their area after they put down the phone. The boy started moving suggestively and putting his face on the girl while she stood there wiggling her hips. Now they are just doing what they saw in the video, but Mom became uncomfortable and wondered, where does he get that?

It’s a visual world we live in!!  And kids do learn by observing.  And their teachers are you, their peers, other kids and adults, and the vast amount of media available to them.

Take care now, Natasha
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